urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:rxy5941 *~m.e.e.g.a.n~* *~m.e.e.g.a.n~* 2006-03-09T13:31:20Z urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:rxy5941:37885 2006-03-09T13:31:20Z 2006-03-09T13:31:20Z *Of aLL thE thiNgS iVe BelieVeD iN<br />I JuSt wAnnA gEt it OveR wiTh*<br /><br />TeaRs fOrM beHinD mY eYes <s>but i do not cry</s><br /><br /><marquee scrollamount="4">CouNtinG tHe DaYs ThaT pAsS mE bY</marquee> urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:rxy5941:37610 2006-03-09T13:04:07Z 2006-03-09T13:04:07Z i havent done this shit in forever...but i think im becoming an insomniac((with a little helP))hah KC<br />anyways...i cant sleep...i cant stop thinking, usually i have a pretty clear thought process, usually i know what the fuck is going on in my head and half of my best friends and i was doing so well for so long...and now<br /><br />FUCK<br /><br />Theres a reason why i dont "date"...it makes me a fucking nut job like you boys...<br /><br />i love you boys, but id have to say the gay onez are the best, they dont make me so crazy so fuckin often...ok maybe you do ryan...but thats why i love you urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:rxy5941:37126 2005-05-31T16:26:35Z 2005-05-31T16:26:35Z i dont know really why im doing this...its been forever. <br /><br />i got so much shit goin on, i need to figure out what to do with myself, i need to do SOMETHING. im working right now at O Tooles and i guess i can make ok money, i just need to get more used to how everything works. ive been having a few problems but i think its just because im so stressed out and i cant focus, and thats one thing i really need to do. i need to focus on what im doing and what im going to do. i feel so lost right now. ah urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:rxy5941:37006 2005-02-06T02:45:43Z 2005-02-06T02:45:43Z my phone got turned off...i didnt get another job..<br />ive got nothign to do. ive been sitting around for days just sitting trying to figure out what im guna do. im stuck this time and i really dont know what to do...i feel like since my phone got turned off i have no way of getting ahold of anybody..i dont even have my phone, tommy has it((i hope))<br />this is so sad.. i miss soo many people, i miss my old life. i wish i could go back, i dont know how many tiems ive said this..but i know its alot...i try not to regret things because they are all learning experiences but this one is one that i dont want to have...im scared, im lost and i dont know what to do<br /><br />i just want to be comfortable urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:rxy5941:36754 2004-12-28T10:08:47Z 2004-12-28T10:08:47Z im an insomniac...<br /><br />it sucks..when i get ready to go to bed at night and i close my eyes...my heart starts pounding..my thoughts start racing..i breathe really fast..and everything around me seems so wierd..and all that makes me real nervious.<br /><br />only sometimes can i sleep.<br /><br />im just too nervous about a ton of things...i need to get my shit together and i thought i did for a while but now im right back where i started and i dont know what to do, things happen so fast and all the sudden i step back and look at whats going on and i just sit and think ...what the fuck. thats the only thing that i can think of.<br /><br />why does everythign have to be so complicated? why do i have the problems that i do? i dont know how to control my life, which sucks because im really the only one that has the power to do that. <br /><br />i try to pretend it doesnt bother me but the thing is, ive never actually wanted to do something and TRIED to do something and failed...all the things ive failed at doing-- were because i didnt try as hard as i could have, or because i just didnt care. i dont know how to handle it. it scares me because-forever-all the things that ive really wanted to do...ive acomplished, and now ive gotten to a point where i tried and it didnt work...and it leaves me with a feeling ive never felt before. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:rxy5941:36489 2004-12-14T07:15:14Z 2004-12-14T07:15:14Z ohhh man so its deffinitley past my bedtime and i cant sleep...and WHY??? because i cant stop thinking...about what....BOYS...<br /><br />so its crazy the things that are happening right now...i guess there are a few guys right nwo that like me or something?? from what i hear...and i mean it happens every so often...and i always have my first choice..the one that i really like but of course they are always like assholes or like just got out of jail, or they dont liek me....but this time i found one that i really like and he hasnt been in jail, haha...and hes really nice...<br /><br />and now i cant stop thinking...oh im soo happy though right now....<br /><br />goodnight urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:rxy5941:36297 2004-12-03T05:52:51Z 2004-12-03T05:52:51Z so ive been working alot lately which isnt bad...i love having money its the best..now i can actually go out and do things.<br /><br />i hung out with J on sunday night..that was cool :o)<br /><br />havent talked to michael, i think he might have gotten locked up but im not really so sure.<br /><br />i talked to cris today, i love her so so much.<br /><br />im still tired, the other night me and phil went to jeffs house at like 9 and we ended up staying until 6 or 630 in the morning and then i had to go to work later on in the day...it was fun though...i sat around giving myself lung cancer and watching them play old skool nintendo for like 8 hours........<br /><br />um...what else, i freaked out last night and got really pissed because somebody decided to be an asshole to me for NO REASON. that usually only happens to me every few weeks so hopefully after last night im good for a few weeks. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:rxy5941:35971 2004-11-23T03:59:53Z 2004-11-23T03:59:53Z i gota new cell phone...<br /><br />ask me for the number..if you dont already have it and maayyybe if your lucky ill give it to ya..<br />:o) urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:rxy5941:35726 2004-11-22T05:38:52Z 2004-11-22T05:38:52Z worked tonight<br /><br />yesterday and friday were all too crazy...<br /><br />so this is the story<br /><br /> billy calls me and says wanna come over to my apartment tonight<br />so im like sure i dont have shit else to do....so him and josh and j came and pick me up...and we stop by the store to get some drink...and then we go back to the apartment...shit was cool all night until like 3 in the morning...im sitting there with like five guys that are all like hitting on me...so im laying on a bed between j and billy, billy gets up to go to the bathroom, and josh takes his spot next to me. billy was nottttt happy about this at all. so billy comes back from the bathroom and pulls josh off the bed and starts pushing him... so then they start fighting and the other josh and jesse jump in to hold billy down((who by the way was going NUTZ))....GREAT. <br /><br />so they are holding him down and billys nose starts bleeding so they are all yelling and saying billy calm the fuck down theres blood everywhere. billy wont calm down, so me and j go sit in another room. then paul((who lives there)) and his girlfriend come out and start flipping cuz of the blood, and so me, j, josh, josh, and jesse decide we are guna go back to josh and jesses house...in like romeo. which is like half an hour away. so we leave...and the next morning, we get a call saying that the cops got called the night before and that billy filed a police report and that he said they stabbed him. which is rediculous, because they didnt. they were just trying to hold him down. it was crazzzyy so then i came home yesterday...<br /><br />i went to sleep and woke up around nine and went out with becca, josh, jeff, bryan, and liz. that was alright....and thats my story..crazyness, i dono where i get all these people from. oooh man. <br /><br />so tomorow is a new day...what am i guna do?! urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:rxy5941:35416 2004-11-19T06:28:05Z 2004-11-19T06:28:05Z yay for working..<br />i gota hundred dollar check tonight and made fifty bucks in like 7 hours of not too difficult work.<br /><br />michael threw me against the pavement so i gota huge fuckin chunk of skin missing off my arm.<br /><br />i went out there on monday and came back yesterday...it was cool, i got to see my boys. it was good and bad at the same time...<br />i dont know what the fuck is wrong with me.. <br /><br />i gota go take care of somethin...then im going to bed... urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:rxy5941:35098 2004-11-12T05:28:31Z 2004-11-12T05:28:31Z so i worked all night tonight, and will do the same tomorow, saturday, and sunday.<br /><br />its tiring...but its good i guess, i am really not used to being tired out, i havent worked in about a year...but its good, ill finally have money..ill finally be able to do things, and its cool to be around people..meet new people.<br /><br />talked to michael earlier...same old shit.<br /><br />i called billys house today...and apparently he doesnt live there anymore? thats so crazy..where is he??<br /><br />um......what else, i need new friends... urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:rxy5941:34903 2004-11-11T06:26:38Z 2004-11-11T06:58:33Z My Previous list of things to do<br /><s>get my GED((almost done))</s><br /><s>get a job((hopefully almost done))</s><br />get a cell phone<br />take my road test...make an appointment<br />pay money to the court<br /><s>clean my dads house</s><br /><s>pay my mom 20$</s><br />get a car<br />move out((it'll be a while))<br /><br />and as for all the rest... <br /><br /><marquee behavior="alternate">...$iM WoRkIn oN iT$...</marquee> urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:rxy5941:34652 2004-11-11T06:10:12Z 2004-11-11T06:10:12Z um...<br /><br />i took my GED today and yesterday. and i babysat earlier for lisa...<br /><br />i feel bad because i am starting a new job and mike keeps calling and wants to hang out...but i really have so much shit going on right now i dont have time.<br /><br />i talked to michael today...i dont know what his deal is...buti dont think i have time or want to have time to deal with his dumb ass. i really do like him, but obviously hes too immature and too self invovled...and i dont see myself really getting anywhere with him...just the same bullshit over and over again...and i really dont need that. i dont have enough time, and i dont care to make the time as of now...who knows i guess my feelings could change..they always do, but really..i dono it just all seems like a waste. <br />J says dont even talk to him anymore, just ditch him.<br />i should call billy. i miss him. i was thinking/talking about blake today too, i miss him too..aww. <br />but anyways...i guess i will see what goes on with this whole michael situation. <br /><br />anyways...last weekend i chilled with megan, josh, and jeff...that was much much fun...thank ya guys! even though i got sick and passed out. ((sorry bout that))<br /><br />so i was at churchhill today waiting for my mom to come get me...and i made a friend.<br />he actually happens to know many people i know and they know him too...its funny. its cool though. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:rxy5941:34496 2004-11-05T05:14:25Z 2004-11-05T05:15:59Z i sat around most the day and then i went to RCI to take a drug test and then i went to my dads for dinner. <br /><br />thats about it pretty much. <br /><br />i talked to michael earlier. that was a waste of time. <br /><br /><br />hes such an asshole, i dont know why i spent so much time dealing with him anyways...<br /><br />so yeah im done with his dumb ass. i talked to jaki today too. i want to see billy. and i want to see J.Wilson :o) aaaaaand...what else...i think i may be getting a job, i gotta go talk to some lady tomorow about that. it may not be the best but at least its a job right. yup. <br /><br />people i want to see that i havent seen in forever...or at least long enough to miss them<br />jaki<br />J<br />Billy <br />Laura<br />Jeff<br />Liz<br />mike<br />alisha hooker<br />ricky((where are you))<br />don<br />becca..but i do have plans with her tomorow...<br />isssssbeth<br />things i need to do<br />get my GED((almost done))<br />get a job((hopefully almost done))<br />get a cell phone<br />take my road test...make an appointment<br />pay money to the court<br />clean my dads house <br />pay my mom 20$<br />get a car<br />move out((it'll be a while))<br /><br />i really hope that i get a job and can save money and that becca gets another job because i want to move somewhere with her...that would be amazing...i love you becca<br /><br />that is my LONG TERM GOAL...haha...LivE wiTh bEcCa urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:rxy5941:34183 2004-11-04T06:04:56Z 2004-11-04T06:04:56Z today was an alright day i suppose. <br /><br />i love ricky. i love andre. i love brandon. i love Mike M. I love Michael. I love Jaki. i love ian. i love christopher. i love my puppy...aww. puppies. i love alicia((hold up wait up shorty))<br /><br />haha.....so today i slept for a while and then i went on a walk and then i went to my dads house and had dinner. and now im home...jaki's off teather so thats cool, well be able to hang out now. i talked to michael when i got home...he got a new puppy..aww how cute. <br /><br />when i hang out with jaki...i wanna see ((besides JAKI of course)) <br />billy, J, and michael of course...and don, that would be cool. <br /><br />ohhhhhh man....im guna go have a lil smoky smoky and then im guna go to bed. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:rxy5941:34006 2004-11-03T04:36:58Z 2004-11-03T04:36:58Z fuck people<br /><br />some people are so fucking annoying.......ahhhhhhh<br /><br />i need to start hanging out with new people...um...so lemme know if you wanna chill. haha<br /><br />i need to get a job, SOON. i need to do something...im such a lazy bum. <br /><br />im getting my GED next week...so hopefully after that, my life will like come together or something? <br /><br />michael is a loser. i feel bad for mike. i should call jaki tomorow. i wonder how don is. i wanna talk to him. what is wrong with billy, he like hates me now. where the hell is becca? i wonder if i will end up going to western this weekend. im on the phone with andre...but WHERE IS HE.haha. oh geeeeeeeez...<br /><br />and i missed laguna beach, which i know is like the stupidest show ever...but i like it urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:rxy5941:33695 2004-10-29T06:07:39Z 2004-10-29T06:07:39Z its like theres all these guys that wanna chill with me....but the only one i want....doesnt feel the same way about me<br /><br />but anyways i had a pretty fun night....<br /><br />me courtniee and pat went to nick ostrouskis house and we chilled there for a little bit with him, jason whiley and john overton. it was pretty cool seeing lal three of them i hadnt seen them in a good while. and then nick hubble came over...and i havent seen him in like YEARS....that was cool. and then we went to national but decided to go to leos instead...i dont know what...it was crazy.<br /><br />john baught me fries..that was nice of him.<br />and hes by the way one of the funniest guys ever.<br /><br />and then courtniee and pat brought me home....and i dont think my parents even knew i left?! im not really sure...<br /><br />i called michael when i got home...and theres something about him that really makes me like him.......but i dont know what it is......i talked to him for like ten minutes...but that was pretty shitty because i think he like hates me...i think hes mad at me because i was talking to him about other guys...but i mean...i know he runs around fucking girls all the time...so i dont think he should really care if i TALK about other guys, just in general. he seemed a little pissed that lynden had called me and that i talked to sean...so i dono. <br />im not really sure like what he really wants me to do though...im obviously not that important to him, so like why am i going to just not talk to other guys..theres really no reason for that. <br /><br />i dono it sucks.......but i am going to bed..now that i already updated THREE times today..god dont i have anything better to fuckin do...im tired..and sick from drinking...ew urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:rxy5941:33484 2004-10-29T00:53:20Z 2004-10-29T00:53:20Z sooo...<br /><br />i sit here and wonder...what is my fucking problem.<br /><br />there are probably like 3 or 4 guys i could be with right now if i really wanted to...and the only one i want..is the wrong one.<br /><br />he says he likes me alot and that EVENTUALLY...everything will be cool...<br /><br /> yeah right<br /> how come i always fall for the wrong ones?!?<br /><br />maybe i just need to meet some other people..but i feel bad...<br />i dont know urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:rxy5941:33087 2004-10-28T23:52:06Z 2004-10-28T23:52:06Z i registered to take my GED on november 9 & 10<br /><br />I had to go see stefanie yesterday, which i was really nervous about. but it actually wasnt bad...i found out that i only have to see her every other week now...which is so much better<br /><br />i have breathilizers all over halloween weekend and thanksgiving weekend<br /><br />me and mike went to see garden city yesterday. it was kinda cool...the whole time i felt really wierd and i didnt realize why until i got home. i have never been to a movie with just one guy before. but it was cool...then i came home and went out on a "hunt" with tom, and spent the night at his house with him, bryan, and tim. <br /><br />tooooooday i got up and tom brought me home. i talked to this kid sean this morning and he informed me that after lynden got pulled over...he did get arrested and now hes going back to prison. that sucks. :o( when i told michael, i think he was kinda mad that i was guna ago with lynden to begin with...he just told me that he doesnt want me going with them unless hes with me, which i guess makes sense..<br />and obviously.......i talked to *michael* this morning.....aww i love him, i was so happy to talk to him. he makes me so happy.<br />((Mike and Michael are 2 different people))<br />then after that i went to franklin cider mill with mike, then we went back to his house and hung out for a little bit. when i came home, david came over for a little bit and brought me a pack of ciggarettes, which was soo nice...considering im BBBBBBBBRokkkkkkkkkE.<br /><br />and i guess thats about it... urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:rxy5941:32819 2004-10-27T02:04:09Z 2004-10-27T02:04:09Z oh man so..early this morning i woke up at like 4:45 to the phone ringing...i answered it and it was lynden. he said he was coming to get me. so he kept calling back and i ended up having ot call back like every ten minutes to let them know i was awake. and then the last time i called it was probably at about 5:30 and the other guy he was with picks up the phone and goes were gettin pulled over right now and lyndens all drunk and hes got no license. so i kept calling back....all day actually. and i think they must have gotten arrested because i havent talked to any of them and they arent answering the phone. <br /><br />hes so funny though...he goes "fuck a nigga money" haha and i was like WhY? and then he explained to me that every time Mike(Money) calls me, hes right next to him trying to talk to me too....haha.<br />he says mike always tells him to go away and not to "holler" at his girl. haha....but lynden says that i shouldnt talk to michael(money) anymore because he says that michael aint right and that i should kick it with him.............<br />oh theseeeeeeeeeeee people are so funnyyy...<br /><br />I also talked to mike w today, that was cool....hes a chill guy, he wants to hang out sometime this week so i might do that. <br /><br />oh michael, oh lynden~~those boys are crazy but i luvvvvvvvvvvem&lt;3 i just wish i could find them....i dont know where they are<br /><br />:o(<br /><br />i also have to go see stefanie tomorow, and im scared&gt;&gt;&gt; urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:rxy5941:32625 2004-10-22T04:09:04Z 2004-10-22T04:09:04Z today was good. <br /><br />so ive been trying to get this job, and today i found out that josh told them i cant do math??? thats so wierd...i dont knwo why he woudl do that. <br /><br />but anyways...<br /><br />i went and vacumed out dans car with him today and got a slurpee<br /><br />then i got to see ricky. it was good talking to him. i love him to death. <br /><br />then...LIZ CAME HOME!!! we just hung out for a little bit and then we went to the rec centter where bryan was working. <br /><br />tomorow should be interesting :o) and hopefully fun urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:rxy5941:32443 2004-10-21T04:39:11Z 2004-10-21T04:39:11Z hm...<br /><br />so what the fuck is going on. im so confused right now. he wants to come pick me up tomorow but i dont know if i really should. i feel like every time i go hang out with him, the same stuff happens. i dont really know how to deal with this. i love him, but i dont. and i trust him, but i dont. and i believe him, but i dont. i dont really believe anybody. and i dont really know how to distinguish between the people i can and cant trust. it kinda seems like there really arent many people i can trust. he tells me these things and i know hes lying, and then when i bring it up, he pretty much convinces me that hes NOT lying and that hes telling me the truth. and he tells me hes different, hes not like everybody else that i know...but how am i supposed to know that, the people i thought i could trust at the time ended up being different. how do i know hes not guna end up like that too. he says hes not like all these guys i run around with all the time that i should just wake up and realize that. HOW? how do i do that? how am i supposed to know?<br /><br />ahhhh...ok im talking to dan now, so i think im guan go smoke and then go to bed. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:rxy5941:32064 2004-10-20T03:54:07Z 2004-10-20T03:54:07Z aw... i miss michael. i wish i could see him. maybe he wont leave. maybe his plans will fall through and he will just decide not to leave. although i suppose maybe it wouldnt be that bad because then when he comes back he will have money and him and dillian can get a place and get all their shit together. oh man what am i guna do. i dont know what it is about him, but everything is just different with him. i guess ill just have to find somebody else. if everything can be like that with him, then it can be with anybody else right? yeah i guess so. i feel bad, i should give bill a call too. he was the best. i should have listened to him when he was trying to tell me about michael. and jason...haha yeah right that was all some huge joke. hahah. bill told me that too. yeah i think i should call bill tomorow. <br /><br />liz is coming home this weekend. :o) thank you today&lt;3 urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:rxy5941:31783 2004-10-18T04:24:23Z 2004-10-18T04:24:23Z the weather reminds me of last year. i love this weather, i mean dont get me wrong, i also love summer. but this weather is just so...nice. plus its perfect hot tub weather ;o)<br /><br />so im sitting here watching tv, josh is sleeping on the couch. awww. we went and saw suspect zero tonight. it was alright i guess, kinda wierd. then we stopped on the way home and got something to eat. when i got home i saw that ian had said to give him a call. i miss him. :o)<br /><br />i talked to michael today, and i guess i wont be seeing him before he moves. :o(<br />it kinda makes me wonder, maybe ill just never see him again? who knows i guess ill just have to see. i mean obviously if hes moving away for 4 months, im not really guna see him. maybe ill see him when he gets back? i dono i guess it really makes no difference. he says hell still call me everyday after he moves and i guess hell be back every month or so...but i dont know, i just hope that he doesnt just stop calling because then i wont have any way to get ahold of him...hes a crazy muthafuckaaaaaaaaaa..haha. but i luv him anyways.<br /><br />so i think maybe i might be getting a job? hopefully. the only thing that sucks is that i gota get my wisdom teeth pulled and that may give them time to hire somebody else, so im guna call my mom and maybe cancel my appointment. i was guna have them taken out right away but it stopped hurting so maybe i can wait? i dono i guess ill see what happens.<br /><br /><marquee behavior="alternate">GeT rIgHt tO tHe HeArT oF maTTeRs ~ ItS tHe HeArT tHaT MaTTeRs MoRe</marquee><br /><marquee behavior="alternate">I ThInK yOuD BeTTeR tUrN yOuR tiCkeT iN..aNd gEt YoUr MoNeY bAcK aT tHe dOoR</marquee> urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:rxy5941:31607 2004-10-17T03:32:52Z 2004-10-17T03:32:52Z i feel like im lost. today i just chilled with andre for most the night and then i went with michael lax and dan in his moms car...which is sweet. now im home and im waiting for dillian and michael to come get me. i dont even know what we are about to do, probably something crazy. but hey at least i knwo how to have fun. im glad im not one of those people that sits around pissed off all day for no reason. that must suck. <br /><br />i miss ricky, i want him to come home. :o) i love you forever rick<br /><br />i still cant believe michaels moving...what a wierdo. <br /><br />wow time goes by soo soo fast. it kinda makes me wonder where ill be in a few years...or even just a few months. it can only get better though. i cant wait, i know that even though everything isnt the greatest now, someday it will be amazing.